Grams has to have surgery on Jan. 9th, they'll be doing a spinal fusion on L4 & L5 in her lower back. 2 of the 3 Dr's say this will help w/ the pain but not w/ the paralysis......honestly, I don't care if she can't walk, I just don't want to see her in the kind of pain she's been in for the past 2 months. So, it's crazy--mom's over at Grams all the time taking care of stuff & we're all just generally gearing up for what we know is coming. It's the 'dark before the dawn' so to speak.
Last time I wrote Josh & I were good..........about 4 days after I wrote that all heck broke loose. Since then it's been one giant roller-coaster of emotions for us..........we 'broke up', we started talking a week later & went back to the same routine of talking 3, 4 or even 5 times a day. A week ago today I saw him at the assembly & all it took was one time of catching his eye for all my composure to get thrown out the window. I don't know what I would've done w/out Ashley, Melinda, Mickey & Linds that day.....honestly, the 4 of them kept me sane that day & thru this whole thing. I barely talked to Josh all last week, Friday nite I ended up bawling myself to sleep at about 8:30 that night. Sat. nite I was talking to Ash & Josh kept calling, finally he left me a voicemail that asked to call him & said that it was important he talked to me. After debating I called him back, I knew what was coming before he even said anything..........he basically did the greatest thing he could for me, he told me that he wasn't going to make me choose between him & my family......he gave me up for right now. I can only imagine what that took, but I love him even more for it. I do still love him, he's one of my best friends & I honestly think we will be together, but like he said on Sat. nite, for us to be together in the future, he has to let me fix things that I've broken lately. The hardest thing is not being able to call him & tell him about all the little stupid things that happened that day..........I miss those convo's & falling asleep while we're still on the phone, feeling safe & warm & knowing that he loves me.
There's my novel for the moment..............love all you guys.......
*ErinCamille*
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